Two Plus Four » Blog Archive » It can happen to anyone

March 3, 2010 | Filed in: Columns

This week my buddy and I did a story on teen dating violence and the statistics are alarming. We interviewed a father whose 17-year-old daughter was assaulted by her ex-boyfriend; he is frustrated with the system and is desperate to have his daughter back.

To be honest, having been there, I wanted to reach out. I wanted to share with her the lessons I’ve learned over the last 10 years, to help her know she is better than being abused, to teach her that there is more to life than being oppressed by a teenage boy with issues.

The only way I know how to do that is to share my story.

It can happen to anyone

I was 19 the first time I knew he could kill me if he wanted to.

I don’t remember what we argued about, I just remember his hands around my throat and being held down. He was angry, I was gasping for breath and kicking him in an last-ditch effort to convince him to release his hands.

Finally, he stopped. I cried in embarrassment and shock. And I never forgot what it felt like when I became one of the thousands of women in this country abused by their romantic partners.

I’ve always been a smart girl. My mother will tell you I’ve read the dictionary, I was in honors and advanced placement classes in high school and have always done very well when I’ve applied myself.

But I wasn’t very smart about the choices I made in the years that followed.

I’ve had a gun pointed at me while being threatened. I’ve been pushed into walls and over tables and lamps and chairs, even while I was pregnant with two of my children.

And it even happened while my children were in the same room, screaming and crying in fear.

There were bumps, bruises, but never any broken bones. I believed because he wasn’t hitting me, it wasn’t spousal abuse.

Five years ago, he called the police after a fight turned physical. I don’t know what he told them, other than it was my fault. They saw right through him and the following week sent me information on seeking help and the location of shelters in the city where we lived.

I sobbed that day, because then I knew there was a problem.

I’ve been told I was worthless, unattractive and useless. I was told I’d be alone, that no one would want me because I had children.

And the abuse was always my fault; I made him so mad he couldn’t see straight, he always said. I believed him.

If I was just better at cleaning up, this wouldn’t happen, I told myself. If I would have just done what he’d asked, he wouldn’t be mad.

I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, wondering if he would wake up in the middle of the night and kill me. I wondered when I would push him to the edge, to the point of no return, and what would happen afterwards.

Would he kill himself? Would he kill the children? What would he tell people?

And yet I stayed with him. I didn’t want to be alone. I believed his apologies, believed he’d change.

I longed for the day he’d come to his senses and realize I was a great person, that I loved him unconditionally and would do anything for him.

I put my life, my respect, my sanity, my dignity on the line every single day because I wanted to be a good wife, the wife that stands by her husband for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ’til death we parted.

I believed I was a failure because I didn’t have a good or happy marriage. I believed I was a failure as a person because I could not change him and because I could not make him love me the way other husbands loved their wives.

And for some reason I believed it was normal to be knocked around a little, even though I did not ever see this happen growing up. Everyone has bad habits, I’d think.

When we were dating, I thought things would change when we were married. I thought things would be different when we had a baby, or two babies or three babies.

But they never did.

Once he assaulted me while we visited his parents’ home. I was told I’d instigated it in my suggestion he was cheating.

The last time he ever tried to laid a hand on me was after he’d left me for someone else. He came back to pick up some clothes, iron a shirt for a night out with his mistress.

We argued; he threw a glass of apple juice at my head and I walked out of the apartment and into the cool evening air.

I took a deep breath and walked back in; he was mad and I’d rather him take it out on me than on our children.
He cornered me by the refrigerator, threatening me. I fully expected him to choke me, to kill me, but he didn’t. I took a deep breath; he was drunk and yelling, but I managed to duck under his arm and get away.

That was the last time I let myself become a victim.

The physical scars, the bruises, the cuts healed a long time ago, but the emotional scars are taking longer to go away. They haunt me to this day.

Not many people talk about being abused. It’s embarrassing and it reminds you of being vulnerable, of being afraid, of being oppressed by the very person who vowed to love you more than life itself.

What I didn’t understand, what I didn’t allow myself to comprehend then, was that real love consists of truth and respect. That love doesn’t have to hurt and real love won’t.

There’s a long held belief that if you don’t talk about something, it isn’t reality, but this issue needs to be confronted – for me, for the teenager from Atoka, for the thousands of people who are being abused by their partners every single day.

I was lucky enough to survive it, to go on to rebuild my life from the inside out, but what if your daughter isn’t as fortunate?

Learn how you can help – or get help – by visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline online at http://www.ndvh.org/.

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I know you mentioned that it was hard because your parents weren’t aware of everything, while we weren’t totally aware of everything, we were suspicious, and kind of thought something else was going on more than what you told us. That is why I begged you to move to Tennessee months before you did, a Mother’s intuition never leaves you, even when the children marry and leave the nest. Not only was I concerned for you, I was concerned for the grandkids, and what they were seeing. To anyone reading this that might be in this situation, please please get help, and at least tell your parents, they are there to help you no matter what the situation is, a Mothers love is unconditional, and as long as Mom’s are still around, you are still our children

Tears in my eyes reading this, Echo, and your response from your mom. So glad you go out, with the kids, and to a place where you ARE loved unconditionally (w/your family and Darin). Thank you for being courageous enough to share this with everyone out there. *hugs*

Brave, beautiful woman. Well done.

Wow, Echo. It is brave and good of you to share this.

Here I thought I was the only one that had experienced a relationship/marriage like that. I was told that if I would have worn a dress more and also took my earrings out at night, things would have been different. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time and tell my younger self “You can do it without him”. God Bless you for posting such a personal story about your self and your experience. There are so many young girls who need to hear what others have gone through and realize that they are not alone. Hopefully your story will save many young women.

Oh Echo….just…praying that the residual scars will heal….thankful that you have a wonderful new life.

Dearest friend, I know just how difficult it must have been to write these words, but I am so proud of you to share your story. If by reading this even one person sees themselves and reaches out for help, it will be so worth it.

I so remember sometimes reading your blog all those years ago and having this nagging feeling that something was just not right. I too was in abusive relationships and I guess when you have “been there, done that” you almost have a sixth sense about these things. I had no idea it was that bad and I wish I would have. I would have jumped in my car and driven to Columbia myself to get you and the kids out.

I am so thankful and praise God you got out, and that now you have the peace and happiness you and the kids deserve!

Echo,
After our brief conversation last night about this, I started praying for you. I understand completely about being vulnerable and sharing something like this. Although I have never experienced abuse, I know what it is like to tell your mother about something you’ve been through that you are ashamed of. I love how you mom responded! We are so afraid to tell our parents certain things even after we are all grown up and when we do and they respond in love, we seem shocked! I guess it is just human nature. Recently, my 15 yr old daughter came to me and said “mom, you know how you always tell me that I can talk to you and even if I have done something bad, you still want to know?” I felt fear at those words and said “yes.” She then said “I made myself a Youtube account a few months ago and didn’t tell you”…Wow! I was relived that it was only that but it made me realize that she had been keeping that secret from me and it was killing her inside!
Thank you for being vulnerable and opening up to share your story. I fully believe that someone who is going through this will see that there is hope and that they can get out.
I know that I have told you this before but it is worth repeating…I admire you and am glad to call you my friend!

Wow Echo, thank you so much for sharing what I know must have been hard to write and even harder to go through. My heart breaks for you and your children that you had to experience that, but also rejoices in the fact that you were strong and got out, made a better life for all of you, and found someone who loves you so unconditionally.

Echo, you are so brave for telling this story. I’m so happy that you got out of this and that you are so much stronger because of it. I have witnessed this happen to friends far too many times and unfortunately many of them are unable to break the cycle because their self esteem and self worth have been beaten down so much. I think by putting your story out there you can really get through to people going through the same things.

Echo that was a wonderful way to inform other that there is life beyond abuse. I lived with and abusive man for 17 years of my life (3-20 year old) only it wasn’t me he was hurting it was my Mom. I saw this daily and he was a monster to her. I cant even begin to describe his abuse to my Mom. I grew up to know that I will never ever let a man do that to me or even be near a man who has a chance of being like that. You sharing this story might help even you daughters one day to know that it is never acceptable. If Jaiden or Jaylen remembers any of that they will see how strong their mom was to leave when they old enough to put it all together.

Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story, in more detail than you ever have before. The other hard thing that people don’t talk about, is drug abuse in a relationship, and how to deal with that. While not as physically damaging to the other spouse, the rest of it is just as bad. I know, I’ve been dealing with it for 3 years now. We are finally on the up, and it feels surreal, and amazing. I’m glad you had the courage to leave. Bless you!

Thanks for posting this, Echo. I know how hard it must be to talk about your ex. I’m so glad you found a good man that cares for you and that you and the kids have a safe and loving home. I was not physically abused, but I was mentally/emotionally abused by a boyfriend. He excelled at playing mind games and I felt trapped in our 2 year relationship until I finally got loving support from friends. After I broke up with him, I constantly looked over my shoulder, fully expecting him to come after me and finally do some physical harm. That was 13 years ago and some days I still look over my shoulder.

Thank you so much for posting this. I truly wish I could have read it at 16. It might have saved me 3 years of misery and fear. I’m so proud of you for moving on, for speaking up, and for stopping the cycle.

Oh, Echo. This was such a brave post, and I hope you know that everyone who reads it feels compassion and understanding. And I have been reading you since you were married to that guy. You should be immensely proud of who you have become. You not only found the strength to save yourself, but you’ve created a beautiful life for you and for your children. You are a talented, loving woman and you’ve worked hard for it! I’m happy you’ve found yourself.

Your story still brings me to tears after all this time.

I’m so happy you got out, and that you’re strong and resilient and smart and beautiful inside and out. I know what it took, and that makes me admire you even more. I’m SO proud to be your friend!

Echo, I had no idea. Thank you for sharing your story, and thank God that you are in a better situation now. You are an amazing woman!

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Me, Me, Me

I'm Echo, a 29-year-old journalist, mother of three, stepmom to one and am married to someone who loves me despite my being perfect. Life is busy, life is crazy, but life is good. Want to know more about me?

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