My heart is breaking tonight.

I saw the first tweet about the senseless tragedy in Ft. Hood this afternoon and I was in disbelief. As the afternoon turned to evening, my disbelief grew to sadness and anger. I’m like I sponge sometimes in that I feel what other people feel; I soak in emotions that have left me solemn and somber.

And I’m also angry.

For most of my life, I was a military dependent. Generations of my family have served in the military and have defended our basic freedoms. I’m very proud of this. I grew up, married a soldier and was a proud Army wife. And I was always, always proud of those men and women in uniform I came to know while we were stationed at Ft. Jackson, South Carolina.

Since 2001, I have been part (and, for a few years, owned) an online community for military spouses. These women were my friends, my sounding board, my solace when no one else was around. I’ve built friendships that have lasted longer and are stronger than many others in my life.

I know firsthand the struggles these families face day in and day out and something as heinous as this, which has left dozens of people dead or injured, should not be one of them. I don’t know why this happened, but what I do know is that this man and his alleged accomplices were not true soldiers.

With soldiers, there is a brotherhood. It does not have to be earned, it is given. A soldier does not violate this trust. Real soldiers don’t forget Army values: loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honesty, integrity & personal courage.

They did not bear true faith and allegiance to the U.S. constitution, the Army or to other soldiers. They were not loyal to the nation and its heritage. They did not fulfill their obligations to defend this nation and its allies. They did not find opportunities to improve themselves for the good of the group. They did not show respect or rely upon the golden rule. They did not put the welfare of the nation, the Army, and their subordinates before their own.

They did not live up to all the Army values or do what is right, legally and morally.

And, it seems, Hasan may have had a little bit of a problem with the Warrior Ethos. According to media reports, his unit was standing ready to deploy. But, against creed, he did not stand ready to deploy or engage in the battle that awaited him overseas.

How we consider others reflects upon each of us, both personally and as a professional organization.

What happened today is, unfortunately, a poor reflection upon the Army and its soldiers. But I want to say that these men, even though at least one of them was an officer, do not exemplify what a true soldier really is. A soldier doesn’t abandon his unit or turn on his brothers.

This man, quite simply, is a coward.

Tonight my love and sympathy goes out to all of the families who’ve lost a loved one due to one man’s apparent performance anxiety. May you find strength, comfort and peace. And may you once again have faith in humanity, an understandably difficult feat in the wake of today’s tragedy.

My brother, SIL and month-old nephew live in Minneapolis and, in case you’ve missed the news, a bridge collapsed there tonight.

We cannot reach them – the phone lines and all circuits are busy, so we can’t get through. Please keep them – and their friends – in your prayers, please!

Update (10:30 p.m.) – Just heard from Jake. They’re okay! Thank God!

Almighty God, heavenly Father, you have blessed me with the joy and care of children: Give me calm strength and patient wisdom as I bring them up, that I may teach them to love whatever is just and true and good, following the example of our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

And, also .. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

My kids are great kids. I don’t know how that is possible with a mother as frazzled and scatterbrained as I am, but they are. The major battles I have with them are naptime and bedtime. They usually listen otherwise. They use their manners when they remember – saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘ma’am/sir’ in the appropriate places. When we are going someplace we just pick up and go; I never have to worry how they will behave because they are generally well-behaved in public. They act like kids, but they know their boundaries.

Last night I took the older two to see the new Shrek movie. On the way there I remembered back to those times when they acted ridiculously in Wal-Mart, for example. But here now they are three and almost five and you know what? They are good kids. They mind me in public. People love to be around them because of this behavior and because of how loving they are. (Which can also be quite annoying when they cling to you or have to be near you all the time.) I’m so thankful.

At the movie, in front of us were [what seemed to be?] two sisters and two younger girls who were close in age to my kids. The little girls were so restless, so loud, and so distracting. Some people would (and did, I’m sure) wonder why the mother even brought those children there, knowing they probably wouldn’t watch the movie and would probably serve as a distraction, but I’ve been there. Sometimes you have to take chances and hope they will watch the movie. Sometimes you want to just get out of the house yourself. You can’t let the rest of the world get in your way when you have kids.

I am really thankful for having good kids. I hope they continue to be good children and not give in to the temptations they will ultimately face.

Heavenly Father, you sent; your own Son into this world. I thank you for the life of these children entrusted to my care. Help me to remember that we are all your children, and so to love and nurture them, that they may attain to that full stature intended for them in your eternal kingdom; for the sake of your dear Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.