Today was quite emotional for me and, honestly, I am so glad it’s finally over.

This morning I went to look for a certain skirt and shirt in my closet (which is in my old room, downstairs) and found a box of letters from Bryan to me. While reading one of them I realized that today is our fourth wedding anniversary. I read the entire letter, dated February 6, 2003, and made some realizations. Last year (you will need to be logged in to read that, by the way) I wondered if it’d ever get any easier, and it does. I wasn’t nearly as broken up about it as I was last year, when I started crying days – maybe weeks – in advance. When I read the letter I felt kind of .. sad, but better about myself, because I wasn’t so torn up. I made it through the entire letter without crying and that is a huge accomplishment over a year ago. Don’t get me wrong, I did have my moments today, but nothing like last year. Reading that letter also made me realize the things I was blind to four years ago. So see, it’s good to keep old letters and such.

I think one reason why I am still not over a lot of this is because I have to face it every single day when I have to be both Mom and Dad to these kids. This is my life now. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to be their only parent present for graduations and dance recitals and things of that nature. There’s so much I have to say about all of that, there is so much that is not fair to them and to us, but that’s not gotten me anywhere in the past and it won’t in the future. All I know is that this will be extremely difficult and challenging. Sigh.

I had a bit of a breakdown this afternoon after getting off of the phone with child support. It was not pretty. That poor lady on the other end of the phone! I know it’s not her fault, but I am sick and tired of not having results. We are seriously getting nowhere and now Bryan is angry with me, so not only is he not talking to me, he is not cooperating either. So it’s just me here, trying to fight for what is owed to my children. I am really just fed up with all of it. I wish I could afford to tell him and to tell child support enforcement that I don’t need anything and be on my merry way, but I can’t. Childcare alone is costing me $250/wk. for three kids now, since Jaiden is out of school. I can’t afford GAS after childcare, so essentially I am working in order to pay someone to watch my kids. It doesn’t exactly make for a stress-free time here.

I am fed up and bitter. Earlier in the week I couldn’t stand the bitterness I was harboring, so I prayed about it and felt better on Monday. Not as bitter, but still a little bit there. I think that I was subconsciously preparing myself for today; if I am bitter I will not be sentimental, right?

So moving on ..

Today is my late grandfather’s birthday. He was born 82 years ago. I wish he was still alive; I’d like to know him at 82. I bet it’d be hilarious.

Tonight was Jaiden’s graduation from Pre-K! When I picked Jaiden up from school her teacher told me that a few boys cried watching the slideshow in class today and just her mention of the slideshow made me start bawling. Seriously! I’ve seen many of the photos because she keeps them as the screensaver on her computer, so I knew what to expect. There were even some of my photos on the slideshow. And still, I cried over hearing ‘slideshow’.

I have enjoyed being a part of the kids’ lives this past year and wanted to do something for them. I’ve taken plenty of pictures of them – from their fall and spring portraits with Lifetouch to their cap and gown photos to candids here and there, so I decided we’d frame them for their parents!

I bought clear acrylic frames for 96 cents, printed the photos at Walgreen’s, had Jaiden write "Love, Jaiden" on blank business cards, and tied everything up with ribbon we had around the house. Cheap, cheap! Only about $1.10 per student.

While we waited to leave the house for the graduation, the older kids and I set up an assembly line and made up the gifts we are giving to her classmates. I tied the ribbon around the frame, Jaiden wrote the cards, and Jaylen stuffed the card into the plastic cover. It was great to get everyone involved! Jenna ate the ribbon scraps. lol.

I wrote a caption and the date on the back of each photo plus my contact information. Maybe this will also result in a session or two for me? And if not, that’s more than okay as I didn’t set out to advertise, anyway. I just hope their parents like the photos. We weren’t able to have everything done in time for graduation, so Jaiden is taking them in to school in the morning. Tomorrow’s their last day of Pre-K forever!

So at graduation they came into the gym – traditional processional. The teacher said a welcoming speech, then the children performed. Part of their testing this nine weeks’ was nursery rhymes (oh, to have an exam on that! lol!), so they did Hickory Dickory Dock, Hey Diddle Diddle, and One, Two, Buckle My Shoe, which Jaiden lead! After nursery rhymes they sang The ABC Song and The Colors Talkin’ To Me, both written by a Blues musician from Memphis who visited the school a few months ago.

Then it was DIPLOMA TIME! Along with their diplomas they received the memory books the teachers kept for them as well as a book of the ABC craft pages they’d made over the year! Such sweet stuff. OH! And a DVD of the slideshow!

I have to say that my princess was great. She was not shy to perform at all! They’ve been practicing since .. March? And they all did a fabulous job! I wish my camcorder was in working order because I would have loved to have that forever. I miss my little girl! She will be five soon and you know how sentimental I get. Anyway, after tomorrow morning I will have a rising Kindergartener! *WAH!* I will probably cry on the first day of that, too. lol.

Speaking of being five, she said she wants a girls-only princess party. So there we go.

Now I am completely ready to welcome May 23. And it’s now after midnight!

I’ve uploaded some pictures at Flickr – check them out here. Ta-ta!

I’m super excited and have to share – I just ordered my first DSLR!

A few years ago when I was in the market to upgrade my 1.3MP camera for a better point & shoot, Shanee recommended ButterflyPhoto.com. I ordered my current camera, the Konica Minolta Z2, from them and got a really great deal. Now that I am upgrading again I returned to Buttefly Photo. I joked with Shanee (okay, half-joked) that I was going to call them and ask for the best deal – and that is exactly what I did.

For months I have researched cameras and prices and comparison-shopped. A couple of weeks ago the camera – a Canon Digital Rebel XTi, in silver – was selling at Butterfly Photo for $747, which is $153 less than retail. When I checked the site last week the price had gone down to $717 and this morning down to $715. I was initially going for the camera with the kit lens (EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-f/32), the Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 lens, an accessories kit (that included another battery, a 2GB CF card, a medium carrying case, and a lens cleaning kit) and that would be $913, no tax, free shipping. I can’t walk into Best Buy and buy just the camera with kit lens for that when you add tax, so it was a good deal to me. In other words: I’ll leave my credit card on the nightstand for you, baby. Don’t wake me when you leave in the morning. Holla!

So it was then that I called to place my order and beg ask what kind of deal we could work out. I ended up getting the camera body only, a Sigma 28-70 F2.8 EX lens (retails for $499), a medium Samsonite carrying case ($40), three-piece filter kit ($70), a 2GB high speed memory card ($99.95), an additional battery – 3-hour high-capacity lithium ($40), and the 3-year extended warranty ($99; so four year warranty in total), lens cleaning kit (and I’d be lying if I said I’ve used my other one more than once in two years – lol) all for $998, no tax, and free 2-3 day shipping. Purchased separately, everything comes to $1580.10. Purchased somewhere like Ritz Camera, you’re looking at $799 for the camera body only, $246 for a two-year extended warranty, $80 for the CF card, $47 for only two of the filters, $70 for the battery, etc. You can’t buy this particular Sigma lens at Ritz or Best Buy, so I don’t even know other prices on that one (though others, not the EX, retail for several hundred dollars less). So I’m pretty happy with the deal.

It should be here by the end of the week. I’m excited to get it and start playing! I decided against the 50mm f/1.8 lens right now, gonna play with the camera for a bit and see how things go. It’s definitely on my wishlist, though. Jack laughed when I told him the 50mm had quite the reputation and is often called ‘The Nifty Fifty’. lol.

(SO!)

It’s windy here today. Crazy windy! But! It’s about 63°F! I’m pretty excited because all this week we are supposed to have temperatures in the 60s – and even 73°F on Thursday! Friday morning it was 18°F when I left for work which, hello, made me just a little bit more than disgruntled. I can’t wait for Spring! I’ve toughed it out a little more than I normally do – outside every single day and in a colder winter than I have experienced in over a decade. (Where’s this so-called global warming, Al? Can it stop by for a visit, please?) I’m sick of it, though. Bring on Spring – though I wish we could leave the pollen out of it because I just know we will have allergy issues with the kids. And why not? They have been sick with everything else this school year so far. (Just a wee bit tired of being sick and having sick children. I think we may move to the Bahamas and rent Anna Nicole’s old place. She doesn’t need it anymore.)

Also, today marks one year since the kids and I came to Tennessee. One year since we moved away from South Carolina. It’s hard to believe. Before we left I wrote out some goals and things, but I’m sorry to say that the big one – being out on my own by the end of 2006 – was not achieved. Otherwise, most other things have been met. If I could find the list again I’d write it all out, but I do remember a few key things. And, contrary to what I thought a year ago, it is possible to be everything you want to be and more no matter what lemons life throws your way.

The other morning at breakfast Jaiden and I had the following conversation:

J: “Mommy, this isn’t our house ..”
Me: “Nope, it’s not our house.”
J: “But someday we will move away to our own house again ..”
Me: “Yep ..”
J: “Like today?”
Me: “Well, not today unless you have the money for rent and utilities.”
J: “Well we can live at Daddy’s house ..”
Me: “Or not …!”
J: “Why not?”
Me: (Oh crap.) “Well that is one hell of a commute for me in the morning. I drive long enough to get to work as it is.”

She dropped it after that. She often talks about living at our old house with Daddy and wanting to go back. I wonder how she remembers all of that – she will bring up sleeping in her Dora bed or something that we never talk about. I am hoping that she doesn’t remember the fights we had and the other bad things that happened while we lived there. Only time will tell, but I’m praying she only has good memories of her toddlerhood. It’s also a little weird to think about, but she will barely remember living with Bryan and Jaylen won’t remember anything at all. It’s a little sad sometimes to think that they will never remember much before preschool age, but they love hearing stories about how they were as younger children and babies. This is one reason I’m glad I have this written record of life with my babies.

I really do not know where to start …

Wednesday was my birthday and it was nowhere near the top of the list of best birthdays. I guess since I wasn’t insulted and my feelings hurt like last year, it was okay. It’s done and over with now. My mom brought me a Falcons shirt, socks, keychain, and a window sticker; my others gifts were money and a gift card to Wal-Mart.

Thursday I worked and my goodness, THAT was the busiest workday I’ve had in quite awhile! It was a huge school doing retakes and classroom group photos, and other photographers are being trained to do groups, so six of us were sent. The school was completely disorganized and the way we endedup doing it was me using the lunch list as a guide and running – getting two classes to go down for pictures, then telling two more to head down ‘in about five minutes’. Very busy day, very frustrating, very tiring, but I loved it. Jaiden had dance class, gearing up for the Christmas recital on the 16th, and so this means having to come out-of-pocket for various things like tickets and recital fees and December class fees and the Christmas party and the gift exchange. Really, I am about to put my kids up for sale because between normal, everyday things like formula and diapers and outgrown clothes and shoes and this extracurricular things that schools are doing I am quickly becoming even more broke than I already am. In Jaiden’s class we had to send an item for a basket that will be raffled off during Tuesday’s PTO meeting (we sent candles), we have to send paper products for The Giving Tree (Jaiden wants to send toilet paper), and we have to send 20 little stocking stuffer items because some boy’s parents are making stockings for the class and we are expected to contribute (because this is for the Pre-K Christmas party). And then, holy crap, GAS! I am dying over this one. I could sit here all night listing various other things, but I’ll spare you.

Yesterday I worked in the office for a few hours, was officially laid off (until sometime next month), picked up my kids, went to Wal-Mart, got all dressed and such, and went to our Christmas party for work. I had plans with one of my coworkers and her boyfriend after the party, then this guy I have been talking to was supposed to meet up with us once he got off of work. We have been talking and really seemed to hit it off; he’s very easy to talk to and I wasn’t really all that nervous to meet him. I had this nagging feeling about everything, but I just chalked it up to me being cynical, skeptical, and jaded. My coworker ended up not coming to the party and I didn’t want to meet him by myself, and my coworkers at the party agreed that I shouldn’t go. We then started talking about him – his name, his job – and it turns out that one of my coworkers knows this guy. Turns out her daughter (who is my age) caught him sniffing her panties once! OMG! She called her daughter and we confirmed it was the same exact guy, then I find out all sorts of nasty things about him! What a freakin’ small world, right?! Out of all of the people in the Greater Memphis area, I find the guy who sniffed my coworker’s daughter’s panties! Crazy. Needless to say, I didn’t meet him. lol! Several hours later I texted him, he replied, I texted back, and he called. My coworker answered and told him to leave me alone, we were partying and having a good time, she did called him a panty-sniffer and a few other things I’m not going to repeat. Again, it was CRAZY! lol. It’s such a funny story, though.

It was supposed to be my first date since ’02. In ’02 Bryan and I broke up and I went out with a guy once, but before that I was 16 the last time I went out on an actual date. Or maybe 17? Regardless, if that is a sign of what’s to come, I think I’d rather be single for the rest of my life. I put up with too much when I was with Bryan and, I’m sorry, I don’t have to put up with weirdos. When I said I wasn’t meeting the guy my coworkers asked what I was going to tell him and I said, “Nothing! I don’t have to explain myself to him!” In the end, obviously, I did come out and tell him because I am not so cruel as to just leave someone hanging, but I really don’t feel an obligation to tell him anything. I’m not married to him. All I do know is that I do not have to take anymore crap.

SO! That definitely kicked the Christmas party off. We had a really, really great time. It wasn’t a stiff, office party sponsored by the boss, it was just a few of the photographers. We played Dirty Santa/White Elephant, whatever you want to call it. One of my coworkers unwrapped a box and it was a box from work. She made a big deal, jokingly, about not wanting a class picture from Southaven Middle School or something. lol. So then she opens the box and gasps, then starts laughing. It’s a picture frame, similar to the one I brought in that had already been opened. I thought that’s what was so funny, but I didn’t think it was really that funny, even if we were all drinking. When she turns around we see that she has opened a framed photo of our boss! LOL!! It was HILARIOUS! Really, I think you have to know our boss in order to fully appreciate the hilarity of it all, but oh well. I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard. I’m serious, we laughed for probably five minutes straight over it. It turns out that the giver asked our boss for a picture and he gave it to her, then asked if it was for a gag gift. lol.

Today my parents and the older kids went to a local tree farm to cut down a Christmas tree. Katie and I stayed home to get things in order for the tree (i.e. rearranging the living room). We’ve been dealing with the tree and decorations all day. I have to admit, it kind of lost it’s appeal after awhile. The kids had a lot of fun and tonight Jaylen put the star up. The tree does look really good, though.

I really, really need to get my own Christmas cards designed and out. I am struggling a bit this year because it is the first holiday season after having separated from Bryan for good. Last year it was iffy, and we did take family pictures, so I thought the separation was temporary. Anyway, I am one of those people who write those glorious holiday letters and this year I am trying to figure out how to write the letter so that it is not depressing, but doesn’t make light of the situation because really, it’s been quite a hard year. I’ll figure it out, but for now I need to come up with a design for these blasted trifold cards I want to order. lol. Speaking of which, Monday is the last day to order printed cards, so if you’re going to order them, please do so. There is still time on Print-Your-Own Cards.

I am now unemployed for 4-5 weeks. Jaylen & Jenna will be going to the sitter’s house on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays because I am a poor excuse for a mother and want to get rid of my kids so I can do whatever I want. But I promise to use my time wisely. I have quite the to-do list already, like going in for my yearly appointments and beating down the doors of Child Support Enforcement and getting a cavity filled and deep-cleaning and whatever else it is that I need to get done that I couldn’t do while I was working.

Anyway, I think I need to get going. Have a good one!

Yesterday I left my tribe at home and went to church alone. A whole service without shushing someone or wiping drool off of my arm or having to balance the hymnal on the back of the pew in front of me because I’m holding a child in my arms … it was nice. It was quiet.

I’m bringing the kids back next Sunday, not only because I nearly dozed off during the sermon, but also because, apparently, I committed a sin by not bringing them. lol. Everyone missed the kids and everyone asked where they were. I left them home because one seems to be getting pink eye but has a nasty cough anyway, the second has a snot river streaming from his nose, and the third was asleep. I cannot keep up with those three and their noses – just as soon as we wipe, blow, or suction them and get them all cleaned up, the river’s flowing again just as soon as I turn my back. Blah.

[I really long for the day when no one is sick. Do you think that will ever happen? Probably not.]

The Bishop was visiting and was the celebrant. His sermon was longer than our usual sermons, which is why I nearly napped while he was talking. I don’t think that would have gone over well.

We sang “All Glory Be to God On High” again (Hymn 421 in The Hymnal 1982, I have it memorized). I swear we sing that every other Sunday. I think there is a Top Five list and we just rotate through it. lol.

We celebrated St. Matthew, our patron saint, and there was a reception afterwards. I always feel so out of place because there is no one my age there. Everyone’s nice and I like them, don’t get me wrong, but do you know what I mean? There are two people – a married couple – who seem to be close in age to me. At least closer than everyone else. They are the parents of the baby who was baptized two weeks ago (he’s 8 months old). Anyway, I wasn’t going to go, but several people invited me to come, so I did. Had some good food, tried a few new things, and found out that there will be a group doing Purpose-Driven Life soon. I read PDL last year with a group of ladies and we discussed it online. I am considering doing it again, but given that I am already short on time it is probably not a good idea. lol. I can read it again on my own.

– I tried blogging yesterday and that was as far as I got. Not too terribly interesting, but Grannie reads my blog and I know she will enjoy that part. lol –

Today was just awful.

I try to live by the mindset that life is what you make of it, but today … was just … I don’t even know. (That’s how you know I have had a bad day, when I cannot even complain correctly and completely.) I was going to a school in Millington (Justin Timberlake’s hometown, by the way, so ‘woo’ for him; you should see the big ol’ church where his grandfather preaches, I pass it every day). A middle school. Oh my God, these are the WORST. You think preschoolers are awful? Ha. Yeah right. They listen to strangers. Middle school and high school kids are, for the most part, jerks. You have some that act right, but not many (remember when you were in high school?). Actually, usually it starts getting awful with the 8th grade, sometimes even 7th, but definitely 8th. Today they were beyond jerks. They were rude. They were disrespectful (moreso to their teachers and their peers). They were loud. They were obnoxious. They made me want to pick up my stuff and go, right in the middle of the day.

Before any of that, last night I checked Jaiden’s eyes at about 12:30 am and she looked like she definitely had pink eye. I called Ryne to make arrangements for today – see if he’d rather I stay home or if he would watch her – and he said he would. We were supposed to start an hour later than usual and the school was closer than usual, so I would get to sleep in. I was so excited about that that I actually overslept. Rut-roh. Not too bad, just 45 minutes, and I have learned to plan ahead with this new job (because, before, I was late EVERYWHERE!). I could have had us out of the house on time had Jaylen cooperated, had Jaiden not woken up and suddenly been cured (lol, but seriously, her eyes were a-okay this morning, which meant I had to find her an outfit and get her ready too), and etc. We left 20 minutes later than I’d planned.

I almost got into two accidents on the way to the babysitter’s house. Two. (Oh yes, people, public service announcement: please learn what to do when you get to a four-way stop. That would give me one less thing to complain about. Thanks.) I called to let my coworker know I was running late and it turns out the boss was there with us this morning. Lovely. Tardiness is one of his pet peeves. I felt so, so awful. He said it was okay, we still had plenty of time (I was five minutes late). In my defense, it was the first time I was late for a job and that says a lot for me. I am known for being late (not at this job, at my previous job, and with all of my family). Anyways, being late, I’ve found, kind of sets the tone for the rest of the day.

I don’t know why, but I was up once an hour last night. I’m tired as crap tonight and grouchy to boot.

I was so looking forward to Monday Night Football, Falcons(!!!) vs. Saints. Falcons are losing. *SOB* I am depressed.

One good thing that happened today was that I found the only attractive person in the tri-state area! He works for the sherriff’s office and looks like the UPS guy we used to have when I worked at Sears. My coworker and I were drooling over him and acting like little schoolgirls with the “oh my goodness, it’s HOT in here!” comments (because, well, he was hot). He left the school/our area pretty early in the morning and all day long I told my coworker that I was going to go 80 mph through Millington on my way home (their speed limit is 45 mph), in hopes that he would pull me over. lol. I don’t care – give me a ticket. Let’s make a court date. I would certainly look a lot better for that than I do for work. lol.

That was a little ironic considering lately I’ve noticed others in my situation – getting a divorce – who have moved on already, even though their relationships ended several months after mine. These are all friends and I don’t want them hurt, so I do worry that it may be too soon. I understand how lonely it can get – actually lived a lonely life for a great deal of the time I was married, and now … well, it does get lonely and you do feel left out when everyone else is paired up. I don’t know, it’s been a year for me but it still feels too soon.

I remember telling myself last year that if this was it – if we were really separating – that I didn’t want to be with anyone for a year. Guess what? On Friday that year will be up. I’m excited because I’ve met the goal, but admittedly, it is not entirely willingly. And still, I am not sure it is the right time for anything new. I don’t want to do the whole ‘getting to know you’ thing all over again.

Why do I go off on tangents so much?

Anyway, the real point is that today really kind of sucked. Thank you, and goodbye.

Sometimes I go back and look through my drafts, the entries that I began and never finished or finished and never posted. The title of this one stares me in the face each and every time I write a post. The original timestamp was November 23, 2005, at 9:22 am. Around the holidays we all tend to get sentimental and list the blessings we have, and this is what I desperately wanted to post:

I know that it doesn’t show or anything, but I have become one hell of a bitter, frazzled, stressed out, frustrated woman. Yeah, it totally shows. Around this time each year our hearts grow tender; we all want peace, joy, happiness .. all of those good things. We reflect on the year gone by, count our blessings, and curse the commercial circus that has become the holidays in our country. Me? I have a lot to reflect on, a few blessings to count, and personally, I have the commercial circus to thank for being able to pay a bill this month and affording Christmas. However, there is an ugly truth that has become my life and, because of that, I am bitter. I want to be bitter. I want to be alone on Thanksgiving. I want to spend the holidays with my own little family – myself and the two little children I have pushed from my body, plus the little one that has yet to grace us with her departure from the womb.

Notice no husband? Yeah, me too.

While I do have plenty to be thankful for – good health, a tribe of children, freedom, choices – I am finding it difficult to really find the silver lining.

This is not finished, which is only part of the reason it was never posted.

Reading this again reminds me of just how alone I was, how alone I felt, and how alone I desperately wanted to be. I was so depressed, so devastated, and so stubborn. I told him repeatedly that I was not going to give up on us. I knew he’d be back and I knew we’d fall back into our usual, albeit dysfunctional, pattern. I was happy with that, with being his wife, with being a family. If I couldn’t have that, I just wanted to be alone with my kids in our little apartment. I didn’t have a plan, but I was bound and determined that I would not move to live with my parents or my in-laws. I didn’t want to be pitied and treated as the fragile woman I was. I just wanted to get through it and stay there, in Columbia, so he and the kids could be near one another. When I came here for Christmas I only thought of how much I did not want to move here, how much I wanted to be on my own, and how much I still wanted to be with my husband. I finally gave in and by the end of the next day, before I had really even thought of planning the logistics, my family had requested days off and chosen when the kids and I would move back. I probably would still be in Columbia if they didn’t do that, and they probably knew that.

I’m really glad I have this blog. Bryan never understood why I would ever want to do this and why anyone would ever want to read about my ‘boring life’ (and I know he is not alone). Yes, it’s pretty boring, but it’s my life. I love going back and reading things my kids did when they were babies, funny things they said, awful days I had. I can read almost five years’ worth of emotions, of good memories, of bad memories, of major life events, of day-to-day things (I’m missing chunks here and there from ’01 and ’02 and I would love to have those back because it was during my pregnancy and Jaiden’s first three months that I am missing). I am, of course, a very, very sentimental person and love having this written record, especially since I can go back and read exactly how I was feeling at every step along the way and know that there are things I want to do again and places in my life I never want to go back to.

Life is funny that way, though. Sometimes we find that the situations we never wanted to be in make us the happiest of all.

So I finally went to talk to the photographer today and he isn’t looking to hire anyone (so says someone else that works there as he was in the middle of a session). I came home and called a couple of other studios and they aren’t hiring, either. Of course I’m wondering if maybe I am not approaching this in the right way and I’m probably not. I find it a bit ironic that almost all of my experience has been in sales yet I can’t sell myself. (Well, I can probably work the corner, but that’s not what I was getting at. lol)

What is the right way to approach people when you’re looking for a job and they are, apparently, not looking for help?

One place I called when I got home was a photo retouching service (and framing and whatnot). She laughed at me, then said, “Oh, you’re wanting to get paid, right?” Um, no. I expect my kids to support themselves – hell, they’re old enough – and the car insurance and student loans to pay themselves. As my sister-in-law said, “Well apparently she needs something if she can’t afford to pay someone.” No doubt.

I do have to say that being rejected (if you would call it that?) four times in one day by strangers is a lot easier to handle than being rejected once (or over and over, whatever) by someone who vowed to love you forever. That’s for sure. lol!

One of my most-used phrases is, “I can’t believe it’s already [insert month]!” Why does time go by so quickly?

Today the lease on ‘our’ apartment in Columbia is up and I am really sad about that. This was the first place I’ve lived without my parents, the place where the three of us started our family life, the place we made home, the place where I brought my son home, and the place where all of that was shattered. Quite honestly, I am a homebody and spent days on end in that apartment, not because I liked it that much, but because I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, and just wanted to stay inside. It hurts a little to know that soon enough a new family will be moving in. Everything that happened there – all of the good times, all of the fighting, the way I had my furniture arranged, the places where my pictures were hung – it’s all just a distant memory now. It doesn’t even feel like it was my life.

I feel guilty and silly for grieving the loss of an apartment I hated, but I am. It’s just one of many changes that we have all gone through this year. Afterall, that’s what life does, right? It changes? And once it does, nothing’s ever the same.

I remember back to three years ago – three years ago tomorrow – we arrived back in Columbia from Alabama, having just been married and to the Bahamas, having to listen to the radio because we had no cable, unpacking boxes, watching Jaiden learn to walk, having morning sickness, and learning my new role as a wife and partner in the household (as opposed to just a child in the house). It’s amazing how three short years can seem like a lifetime ago. Good Lord, we were so happy then. It was only three years ago. (I am SO bitter about our marriage ending after such a short time.)

I can’t believe I am actually living in Tennessee. I can’t lie and say it isn’t growing on me, because it is, and I can’t lie and say that I am not in denial of the fact that I do actually live here. Sometimes it feels like I am just on a long vacation or something, or at least that’s what I like to think. Oh, I won’t be here long .. Yeah, right. It’s been over three months and I am nowhere closer to leaving and being on my own than I was when I got here, or even when we first split eight months ago. We’ve been through so much already that I can’t imagine what the rest of the year has in store for us, much less the rest of my life.

Last night I was telling a friend of mine how I’d just told my mom that I wasn’t planning on getting married again and my friend told me, “Yes you will, you’re young. Think about how much life you still have to live!” True, true. (This conversation came about because I am desperately trying to get my mom to agree to let me cut up my wedding dress for Jaiden and Jenna’s christening gowns, but she won’t let me because she paid $900+ for the thing, despite my arguments that at least now it will be worn for another meaningful event for my girls instead of just being worn once.) But still, I am in no rush to get married again. I think I’d be happy never getting married again. All I want is to be happy, and if I am happy with someone by my side then that’s a wonderful bonus. I think it’d be cool to have a wedding and get dressed up and all of that jazz again, but what’s the difference in getting married and being with someone if you’re committed either way?

(Grannie, Auntie Di: Will you please convince my mother to let me cut up the dress? It’s just going to hang in the closet for the next 30 or more years next to hers if I don’t. That’s no fun.)

These are the things I think about. I never thought I’d do the whole dating thing again, so it’s weird. It’s incredibly hard for me to trust people now, and even more so because I have small children that I am overprotective of. Sometimes I think about just being alone until my kids are grown because I don’t want anything to happen to them as a result of me remarrying or dating someone or something. Thankfully I do have a reminder that not every guy is shady or a scumbag, but still …

On to talking about the kiddos …

Today in the shower Jaiden starts singing, ” … Workin’ them hoes, and they betta put my money in my hand ..” Perhaps I shouldn’t let her listen to Three Six Mafia anymore? (She then asked if ‘hoes’ was a bad word, which she does at least once a day, and tells me she isn’t allowed to say it, even in a song! LOL!) She had her dance pictures today in full costume, makeup, and hair – she was soooo cute! I can’t even put into words all of the things I felt – I was excited about it, but seeing her all dressed up in dance costumes and wearing makeup .. well .. wow, she is growing up. She’ll be four in about four weeks! She’s a little girl now – excuse me, ‘a bigger girl’ as she put it the other night.

Jaylen is coming out of his shell and isn’t as shy as he once was. He is talking so much more clearly. He thinks he’s five (this is his reponse every time I ask him how old he is). Jaylen is so very hyper and loves to scream. He’s not doing so well with the potty training, but that is probably because I am not consistent enough on account of I don’t want to push him into it yet. His favorite things are still motorcycles, cars, trucks, tractors, trains … any form of transportation (having one brother who drives big trucks and the other that is getting his pilot’s license comes in handy because they are a wealth of information for Bubby). He’ll be two-and-a-half on the 23rd of June, but he seems so much older than that to me usually.

Jenna will be three months old on Saturday. That totally blows me away! She is the sweetest little thing. Lately she’s been trying to sit up when strapped into her carseat – the turd. I’ll save the ‘what Jenna is doing’ for Saturday, though. She has another blood draw for her jaundice tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully all is well and her levels are down at zero now.

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned it or not, but my brother and his friend detail cars. One of their regular customers is a photographer here whose work I just adore. When my brother’s friend heard I was looking for a job he talked to the photographer and mentioned what sorts of work I do (which he hadn’t seen at that point). They were told to tell me to go talk to the guy, but I haven’t gone yet. I’m nervous! I’m am so not good at selling myself, especially when it comes in the form of going to someone and saying, “Hey, I know you are not really looking for people, but I need a job and this is what I can do ..” Truth be told, I would absolutely love to work for him in some way, shape, or form because he could teach me a lot, but I don’t know how to do it. Do I bring a portfolio? I don’t know. My brother told him about my previous photography experience – one of my former jobs being at Sears Portrait Studio – and he mentioned that he didn’t do ‘that type of work’ (he does portrait photography, just not like that). SO .. I don’t know. I really, really need a job, though. I’ve thought about doing some portfolio-building work, and I just may advertise for that on craigslist or something, but if I’m going to be serious about it I’ll need a camera with even better resolution for starters. Making a living as a photographer is my dream, so maybe one day that will happen.

Katie, Patti, and I took the kids to see Over the Hedge tonight. It was pretty cute! It wasn’t the best, but parts were really funny. I loved when Hammy goes, “Wanna help me find my nuts?” Then at the end he says, “I found my nuts!” Jaylen repeated that in the theater (oy!). Later he tells my brother, “I found my nuts!” Ryne asked where and Jaylen pointed to Ryne’s face and says, “In your mouth!” LOL!! I definitely need to find them some friends their own age (or we all need to watch our mouths!).